No matter how much you think that attitudes about gender roles and professional accomplishments have changed, some things seem to forever stay the same.
I’ve never much identified with female-specific groups, like women’s networking groups or mom groups or things of that nature. It’s not that I don’t support those that do (and I’m always very proud to be recognized as a woman doing good things both personally and professionally), it’s just that I mostly choose to focus on the things that are more aligned with my specific interests, expertise, and affinities. I am woman, indeed, but that alone has never given me much inspiration to roar.
I’m still surprised when I read about stories like this one from James, because in my (naive?) lack of focus on my gender as a prevailing point of differentiation, I often am not paying close attention to how these things still happen.
Except when I have to. All of a sudden.
I’ve experienced something interesting at the collision of my motherhood and the momentum of my career, and it’s not something I ever thought to focus on, or worry about for that matter. And I’m not going to go joining a bunch of women’s groups as a result, but it’s not going unnoticed, and it certainly does irritate me.
I travel a lot for work. I’m out of town about 50% of the time during busy months, speaking and attending events that are a critical part of my job. I work long hours, sometimes lingering on the computer to tidy up some work after my daughter has gone to bed, or before she’s up in the morning.
This is voluntary. (Oh, the horror…)
Sometimes, I’m working on projects after hours that aren’t directly related to my day job. Like this blog, or my professional blog, or various other projects that aren’t part of my official role, but that are certainly supporting my long term professional goals. But in all cases, no one is chaining me to my computer or forcing my hands to type. I love my work, my industry, and the exhilaration of a career that has promise and momentum.
Here’s where the issue comes in.
Well-meaning (I’m sure…sort of…?) friends, acquaintances, even complete strangers will remark about how hard I’m working, and there’s this undercurrent that as a mother, I’m not supposed to be off jetting on airplanes or writing late at night. That somehow, I’m not fulfilling my role as a mom because I have a busy and demanding career, and that my daughter must be suffering accordingly. Sometimes, it’s not so much an undercurrent as a blatant (and often rude) expression of concern.
Most especially because I happen to be a single mom, I get comments like “I don’t know how you do it without a husband at home to take care of your daughter” or such like that. And the hilarious part is that most, if not all, of these comments come from women.
Seriously? We’re still talking about stuff like this?
Perhaps I’m being too sensitive, giving into exactly the kind of gender bias and overt focus that I’ve steered clear of all these years. But I can’t help but wonder if people make comments like this to single dads out there, working their butts off without a spouse at home. Or if they’re implying to the married dads out there that are traveling like crazy that somehow, they’re not being good parents to their kids, or that they’re depriving them of something by being so committed to their careers.
Well, folks, hear this. I’m not sorry for working hard.
I’m not sorry for the future I’m trying to build for me, and therefore for my daughter. I’m not sorry for the amazing and abundant time I spend with her, just the two of us, and the commitment I’ve made to the hours that are ours and ours alone. I’m not sorry for the the wealth of loving and supporting family and friends that make up my support network, surrounding my daughter with care, and making possible the work that I do when we’re not together.
And I am most definitively not sorry that I’m teaching her, by example, that you can be anything you want to be and that hard work can indeed build your future, engage your mind, bring you wonderful friends and inspiring colleagues, and fulfill your spirit.
So, as I sit here late at night with the little one tucked safely in bed at Daddy’s house, I’ll just keep writing, thank you very much. I have to get my work done, because tomorrow, I have a special dinner date with a very small person over a table full of Legos.
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Yes, I took time off of work. I put aside the email and the phone for the most part, and soaked up some sun and breeze and lake. I ate too much, slept too long, and cracked a beer at 2 p.m. on the boat dock most days. The weather was perfect, and in many respects, it was the picture perfect vacation.
Riley
Maggie


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