White Noise

The world must sound different to me than it does to most. I don’t notice it, mostly because I’ve never much known it any different. But every once in a while, I’m reminded that I hear things just a little bit differently.

I’ve had ear afflictions ever since I was a little kid, all the way through early college. All those issues combined with the operations to correct them have left me very hard of hearing in my right ear. It’s not really something I talk about, mostly because I’m self conscious about it and don’t like to think anything is “wrong” with me. And in most cases, no one notices a thing.

But there are moments when I’m reminded that my world sounds a little different.

Sometimes it’s quite embarrassing. I was in a taxi cab with a good friend last week, who gently pointed out that I was nearly shouting at him in a very confined space. I’m sure I must do that often, and more often than friends point out. Each time, it’s humiliating.

If I speak at what’s probably a normal volume for everyone else, I have a hard time hearing myself. Which means I talk louder to compensate, and I don’t realize that I’m speaking far beyond the level that *others* need to hear me. I’m sure there’s been a time or two where I’ve been chalked up to being overly enthusiastic or annoying, all because I was inadvertently hollering so that the silence in my head wasn’t quite so deafening. (Ugh, the thought of being “that girl” just kills me.)

Dinner parties are sometimes my worst nightmare. Being seated on the end of a table is often complicated, especially if my right side is pointed toward the bulk of the crowd. I find myself smiling and nodding at collective conversation, hoping that I can pick up enough snippets along the way to be a knowledgable participant. Around me, always, is a kind of white noise.

The hardest part is that I’m often far more interested in the conversation than I’m capable of demonstrating, and I never quite feel like I’ve been as engaged as I’d like to be.

Conversations on my cell phone are hard, too, if I’m anywhere there’s background noise. In a car, in a store. I’m mortified every time I have to ask the person on the other end of the phone to repeat themselves. I want to shout sometimes “I SWEAR I’M PAYING ATTENTION!!”. But that would just require even more explanation.

Cocktail parties, hanging out in a music-filled bar, even work meetings with several people talking at once…all moments where I’m convinced someone is going to look at me and see the panic on my face. They’ll see that I’m trying desperately to distill one piece of coherent conversation from the whole, hoping that no one will notice that participating for me is a little bit harder than for everyone else.

[Let me digress for just a moment and say aloud that I am absolutely aware that my minor hearing difficulties are nothing compared to those with complete hearing loss or any number of other challenges. Knowing how I feel, I can only imagine what they must overcome.]

I’m social and outgoing most of the time, and I really enjoy meeting people. So it’s frustrating as all hell to me that these issues sometimes make that more difficult than I’d like. They certainly make me more self conscious.

So if we meet someday soon, please forgive me if I’m talking a bit too loudly, or leaning in a little close, or asking you to repeat yourself. I promise - I really promise - that I’m just glad to be there, talking to you. And even from within the white noise, I’m truly paying attention.

Photo credit: benleto