It comes as a surprise for many people when I tell them that I am only now coming into my own. My own me. My own something, that doesn’t have a qualifier - someone’s partner, employee, friend. I’m just…me.
It’s an interesting and scary experience sometimes, because when you’re often defined by how you enhance someone or something else, you tend to get lost in the shuffle.
But I’m learning that my soul, my person, is mine to sow. It’s mine to color with the things that make me, well, ME. The things that aren’t part of someone else but that rather are definitively Amber, for better or for worse.
I’ve had my moments like everyone else, wondering if I was a brilliant enough light to shine on my own. Wondering and hoping that I had something of value enough that a person knowing me only for me would find me and know that I enriched them somehow, at some place in their journey.
But I find spots every day. And they’re not always huge, not always transformational. But I’m learning things about the very fabric of me that are turning even my deepest-seated ideas on their heads. I’m not even who *I* thought I was. Perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to evolve, after all.
I still, however, catch myself staring a bit wide-eyed at myself, asking me if I know exactly what I’m doing or where I’m headed or just what I’m in for.
I don’t. I have no idea. But that’s the fun. Or the adventure, anyway.
I’m seeding my own garden, now, and it’s different and more diverse than it’s ever been. I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow. I know that there’s something churning just beneath the surface, a part of me that’s borne of some heartache coupled with reality checks, and a good dose of acceptance and peace. It’s not about how I help define others anymore, but rather how I can lift up the world around me while finding my own definitive spot upon which to settle.
Instead of following footprints, I’m determined to sink my own, gently into the wet and giving sand and let the tide tell whose follow next, and when.
Photo credit: randysonofrobert
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Ted Duboise 04.15.09 at 2:52 am
You are a great writer. I enjoyed reading your posts. I especially related to “Letting go”. It’s like the saying: “Got to know when to fold’em”. Thank you for sharing with us!
Justin Cresswell 04.15.09 at 2:58 am
Evolve. We are at our best when we realize the necessity of and responsibility in our own evolution. You are a talent.
JPH 04.15.09 at 3:02 am
“…definitely Amber, for better or worse.” When the time comes, we could all have a biography with such a title, right? That’s when you start to figure out this game, when you can understand there are things that are “definitely me, for better or worse.” To make it more entertaining, in my experience those realizations don’t come all at once, but in ripples and waves over time.
For my part, I’m happy to have my footprints cross by yours every so often.
Liz Strauss 04.15.09 at 3:12 am
Sometimes it takes a deep breath and a moment of space to realize that a lot of ground gets covered if we just keep walking. You know your true north. We all do. Sometimes, the same way with things and people outside us, we forget to listen to ourselves.
Glad you’re finding the space to make those footprints and not worrying about how long they last. You’re irresistible.
ThompsonPaul 04.15.09 at 7:22 am
My guess is if you knew these things for certain, it’d be because you were playing it safe. More comfortable maybe, but “better”? Probably not.
Recently I’ve been trying to work with the concept that adventure = risk x opportunity.
Sounds like you’re opting for adventure too.
Gilbert (@CrazyOnYou) 04.16.09 at 3:26 am
I’m not a fair judge, because I’ve only known you in the singular unique. Waving that aside, the person that I’ve started to come to know if kind, thoughtful, and fun, all of which are much more important than details which, after all are fluid and subject to change.
I feel fortunate to count you among my online acquaintances and to be able to able to call you friend. The you that is becoming will be a wonder to behold…
Teresa (@TransitionalTee) 04.23.09 at 4:26 am
It’s really interesting to flip from your business-focused posts of Altitude Branding over to your personal blog, but I dig the juxtaposition. Seeing this side of you just adds another well-carved facet to the little Amber gem I’ve got pictured in my head. You just keep adding good things to the Interwebs, don’t you? Good stuff!
And personally, I think it’s great that you’re just now coming into your own. It shows that you’ll always give life and the world a fair opportunity to feed your perspective before making a judgment or closing the door. That’s a great quality to have, that openness.
Keep sowing those seeds.
Maria Lavis 04.27.09 at 3:42 am
Loved this candid post Amber. I hear you.
It is a delicate paradox to come into one’s own and yet still realize the interconnectedness of all things. We wouldn’t be who we are without books, parents, friends, partners, children, lfe experience etc, but there is another quiet seeed of self, that we can best sow, and water to fruition in the silence that is only our own. I am happy to see it seems you have found that space.