I’ve had a bit of an introspective year, as you might tell from my posts here. It’s been one full of change, transition, learnings, and lessons.
Some of them have been beautiful, like learning that I’m a much better mom than I ever thought I could be. Some have been hard, like accepting that I have some deeply rooted self-esteem issues that need sorting. Some are still percolating, and maybe always will be.
Often, when we reflect on self, we focus on what’s wrong, broken, falling short. Discovering what we need to fix.
But the more interesting thing happens when we find, along the way, the things that we won’t compromise. That are so valuable to us that we just can’t have it any other way, even if they’re not perfect.
For instance, I’m loyal. To a fault. I have a tiny, elegant and messy handful of close friends. And I would stand in front of a train for them. Does that mean I put myself out there to get hurt? You bet your butt it does. It’s happened more than once, and I’m sure it will happen again.
So I keep asking myself if the answer is really to keep being so open to trust and accepting of others and willing to invest deeply in relationships that matter to me, on any level. And the answer is a resounding, uncompromising YES.
This isn’t to say I’m some kind of benevolent saint. I can be judgmental and stubborn. Quick tempered. Impatient. Those are all part of the realizations and exploration, too.
But I surprised myself at how vehemently I didn’t want to change some things about me, even if they weren’t perfect. It becomes about what matters deeply to you, and I suppose in my world, it’s knowing that I have a handful of people that I would go to lengths for. Because it makes me feel good to invest in other humans and give them the reassurance that someone would, for them.
So it’s piqued my curiosity. We all know what we’d love to change. But what won’t you compromise? What are the things that are so tied to who you are that letting them go just wouldn’t fit?
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olivier blanchard 08.12.09 at 1:42 am
This might require a whole blog post.
dylan gerard 08.12.09 at 1:53 am
It’s a good way to reexamine self-evaluation. What, in this cluster of molecules, held together by some unknown force of gravity, is more essential to the perception of self than the rest? If I wasn’t so obsessed with rock-hard abs (ha ha), being clever and shielding insecurity what would be illuminated by a warmer light?
I too have this real thing around loyalty…and my word. When I say, “I give you my word” that means something serious to me. Life is tough and we can lose a lot along the way but only you can break your word. No one else can really make you do that.
It’s funny. I’m a pretty happy guy, all said. I think I’d find I’d keep way more than I’d change.
Thanks for the post.
dger
Cindy C. 08.12.09 at 1:57 am
Excellent post. I agree on the loyalty thing. I also think this could be a huge response, so I’ll try to limit it. I think at least one of my no compromise issues would be honesty. I have BEGGED people not to ask me what I think of something before. BUT…they know I will always give it to them straight. I will say nothing, rather than say something insincere.
This is great. I tend to be hard on myself, too. Sometimes it’s good to think about what’s “good” about being me.
Christopher S. Penn 08.12.09 at 2:02 am
When I was 16 years old, I talked to this girl I had just met a couple of months earlier. She was insanely depressed and called up one night. She had her dad’s .38 and wanted to say good bye. We talked for 8 hours that night.
And 8 hours the following night.
This went on for a week or so, until we talked through everything and then some. The trigger was never pulled, and the gun eventually got put away for good.
Last year, 16 years after that fateful week, she celebrated the birth of her daughter.
If there is one thing I will not compromise on, it is helping someone I care about make the transformation from despair to hope, from darkness to light. It is non-negotiable. Over the years, stories like this have cropped up throughout my life, variations on the theme of helping someone awaken inside themselves their true power.
I cannot compromise because I have seen the benefits of that tenacity.
Amber 08.12.09 at 2:04 am
Chris - That, my friend, is part of what makes YOU so truly extraordinary, and why I’m blessed to know you.
Rick Wolff 08.12.09 at 12:09 pm
I’m committed to getting through 2009 in one piece, with my wife by my side. Except this has required a boat-load of compromise. I’m leery of dumping details into this little white box. I’ve been tweeting it all along, and I think I’m driving my followers into silence, if not disconnection (I haven’t kept track). I wouldn’t believe the stuff that’s been happening to me either. I had blogged it for a while, but I think that just made matters worse. Clearly you get some satisfaction from it, and I wish you well with it.
Teresa (@TransitionalTee) 08.12.09 at 4:04 pm
Ah, Amber, I know we don’t *know* each other but I often feel we’re kindred spirits. I think it’s fantastic that you’ve even taken the time to shuffle through the bits of yourself to figure out what’s worth keeping and what needs to change. Too many people don’t take that time and never find comfort within their own skin.
I’ve found that I have this ridiculously fierce independence that I used to hate. Maybe surprisingly, I’m a bit of a loner in that I *have* to make time for myself on a regular basis to step away from the world. I used to get so upset that I needed this time alone, but hey, what justification do I have for fighting who I am?
There’s always room for improvement, but some things about ourselves we have to learn to accept to be okay. And usually, if we spend enough time dissecting these things we’ll figure out they’re really not so bad after all.
Colby Gergen 08.12.09 at 6:28 pm
Great post, Amber. It really got me doing a retrospect on how I’ve changed the past few years. And motivated me to write a blog post on vacation (that’s when you know your post was superb, haha).
Holly M. @kitty42 08.13.09 at 2:39 am
Hello!
What I won’t compromise is an interesting twist to ponder. Behaviors I value are genuine sincerity, honesty, and integrity. I believe it is important to accept people as they are and wish to be-but provide constructive feedback if someone is seeking help/guidance. Friendships are to be valued and nurtured. Relationships are highly complex, and levels of closeness are variable. The fundamental base of sincerity will facilitate an enhanced relationship, no matter the degree of friendship.
I too have faults, and work toward exploring/improving upon these dynamics. Looking inward is part of the human experience.
Thanks for the post!
Susan Murphy 08.16.09 at 1:11 pm
Well now you’ve really got me thinking. For me, it’s pretty straightforward, and in a similar theme to most of the comments here.
I won’t compromise on trust. The one thing I cannot, will not tolerate are people who lie to me. People who say they will do something and then they don’t do it. People who say one thing to my face and say another to everyone else.
What’s interesting though, is how I’ve learned to deal with this in my life. I used to be tremendously hurt by this type of behaviour. I would be devastated for weeks, months on end. Hurt beyond belief. Remorseful, regretful, even revengeful.
I’ve learned that when someone breaks my trust, it’s got little or nothing to do with me. There are lots of reasons that people lie, cheat, steal, or hurt. But they are that person’s reasons, and in the end, I’m just part of the fallout. I’m not the reason. Once I realized that, I was able to stop taking things personally, and though I will likely choose not to have that person in my life any longer, I am capable of forgiving what they did.
The thing I’ve learned about compromise is, you have to stand tall for those things you will not bend on. But you also need to be willing to accept that those things you will not compromise are the very things you must ultimately learn to forgive in others.