I’m Not Sorry For Working Hard.

I love this, this attitude shapes me as well (and is a key component, for me personally, in my choosing to be child-free and to work as much and as hard as I do).

It is this weariness of women tearing each other down, whether from parenting style wars or work wars or politics or varying degrees of feminism - each convinced that their degree of belief is the only right way - or whatever else that inspired me to submit the Self Hate Isn’t Sexy panel to SXSW (which has become a solo presentation) and to start Strong Women in Tech, and to carry on in not becoming so cause centric and gender centric that I lose sight of what makes me happy and successful and what helps others around me to rise to be their best. It’s why I also don’t tend to join the women-only groups and such - not that I don’t support women, but that I think I’d rather support individuals - all individuals - with intelligence, talent, passion and heart.

I guess what I’m trying to say, in this awkward late-night comment - is Sing It, Sister.

Keep up the great work Amber!

Keep it up, Amber. You do amazing work and you’re not only building a great future for your daughter, you’re setting an excellent example for her. I’ll bet my Jay Baer rookie card that she inherits your talent and drive. You’re a true Linchpin and we need more like you.

What a great read. I’m not sure if I buy into the gender bias issue though. It’s an easy one to grab at - and of course there are still some people who display gender bias/race bias/religious bias/[insert your bias here] lurking about. But I think there are fewer of them today. I know quite a few families today where the mother works and the father stays at home (or works part-time) and I don’t think that is considered odd at all anymore.

I think the same women (or men) would express concern for a child whose single father was on the road so much. The truth is that very few children (in functional homes) if asked, would say that they would prefer to spend less time with their mother or father.

Of course, single parents don’t have too many options. There simply isn’t a partner in the house to parent while they work. There isn’t a way to collaborate on schedules, arrange pickups, share responsibilities, go to the play, etc. It seems that you might be in a fortunate position in which the father is an active participant in parenting. This makes things so much easier. It is much more difficult for a single mother or single father to provide the needed familiar support to their child when one parent is MIA.

A single father will hear these same women pity him for not having a woman to help him take care of his child — a life partner to make things easier for him and his child.

Years ago in Ireland, single fathers had their children taken away from them by the State (as advised by the Church at the time), because it was thought that a father, on his own, could not provide the necessary support/nurturing for a child. Literally taken away and put in a workhouse or orphanage or convent. Still today around the world, fathers are discriminated against with regard to parental rights after separation, divorce or for receiving benefits as single parents. So if there is gender bias regarding parenting, I would venture to say that fathers bear the brunt of it in practical terms.

In absence of a life partner, it surely is helpful to have a circle of other family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) to provide a loving family environment for a child when her mother or father is away working.

Sounds like you are doing the best that you can do - and most importantly, doing it with love for your child. And that’s what children need most - a sense of love, a sense of security and a sense of worth.

Amber, I know how you feel. I’m not a single mom, and my husband is an amazing help in our household, but we both work very hard while raising our kids (Sarah, 9 and Jake, 4). I will often get comments, especially from family members if you can believe it, about: the fact that I am always busy working (”on the computer”); how can I balance a family and household; whether or not I really have to work that hard or travel here or there, etc. Yes, I have a very busy, full-time career, along with side projects and am constantly working on personal development including reading books, blogging, and networking. I too am up at wee hours doing work as the family is sleeping cozily in their warm beds. But, you know what? No matter how hectic all of this sounds, I’m doing what I love AND am there for my family. I make it work. Don’t really know how sometimes, but I do. Being fulfilled in life is the best thing we can be. We can carry this on to our kids and lead by example as you mentioned. Without hard work, there is no accomplishment, whether personally or professionally. Life is what you put into it.

Yes, it literally at times does take a village to raise a child. There are times the kids have to sleep at the grandparents’ house because my husband or I won’t be around due to work commitments. There are times I’m not home to tuck the kids into bed at night. It comes with the territory. The kids are not suffering because of it. They are happy and healthy and know mom and dad have to work hard. If mom is happy, everyone’s happy. Yes cliche but so true.

So keep doing everything you love doing. I can tell you love your job and everything it entails. It is also very apparent you are an amazing mom. How do you do it? Well you just do. Period.

Thanks for your thoughts Amber. They are always refreshing and of course know that you’re never alone

My grandmother worked when she was raising my mother and her sister. My mother not only worked full time but also had (and still has) a tendency to over-commit to church, organizations, etc. She also never kept me from perusing my own activities as a child but instead chauffeured me from swimming to softball to youth group (I learned to change clothes in the car at an early age:)), helping me with math problems at stop lights. As I am now in the same boat with my family and work, doing something I love professionally but also wanting to spend time with them, my mother and I have spoken about these dynamics. I don’t think of my childhood as one with an absentee mother, but she remembers me telling her that I wanted to be a “stay-at home mom like such-and-such” when I grew up like it was yesterday (incidentally, I also at one point said that I wanted to be a waitress…a career goal that I have since met and moved on from).

I think it’s important to remember that your interpretation of the “I don’t know how you do it” comments is just that - your interpretation. You can carry that and agonize over that and let the guilt lace every other “I don’t know how you do it” you hear, but I suspect you’re better off doing what you did in writing this post - acknowledging it, processing it and moving on. In fact, this process likely makes you that much stronger as a mother as you’re more sensitive to making your time with your daughter quality time.

I certainly tailor my behavior based on what I perceive as my mother’s tendency to over-commit: I am acutely conscious of my extra-curricular activities, choosing to participate in philanthropies that have conference calls rather than drive-somewhere-meetings, stepping back and letting someone else take the lead when supporting them will suffice and setting priorities that work for me (like cooking supper in the evenings with my family). Still, I get those same comments. But what a compliment - these people think that what I’m doing is work! This is just me, soaking up as much life and love and learning as I can each day because I never know when it will be my last!

You’re ok, Amber…just keep listening to your heart and you’ll be ok:)

PS. - Tom, you are so right to say that fathers get the short end of the gender-biased stick…I have two male family members right now whose hearts are being broken because of this…:(

Good post, Amber…thanks for sharing!

Hi, just wanted to say that sometimes - often? - those comments reflect the state of mind of the person who says them (tired, feeling like she can’t fit one more thing in her schedule) rather than a judgment on the person who hears them. It might be more innocuous than you think. For instance, once while one of my colleagues was away for a few nights at a conference, I ran into his spouse who had to take care of their child and go to work etc and that was as close as she was going to get to being a single mom, and we also made the “I don’t know how single moms do it” comment, but that wasn’t meant as a criticism of single moms at all. Instead, that reflected our admiration at what has to be some rock-solid time management skills.

I do agree that sometimes it’s hard for people who are not passionate about their jobs to understand why people who are passionate put so much effort into it, and it’s annoying to see them pass judgment.

Don’t take those comments personally and keep doing what makes you fulfilled, including being a successful professional woman and being a great mother! Best wishes.