The War Against Hopelessness

I went through a series bout of depression in college – it was so dark at times I wasn’t sure I’d find my way back out. And I’ve struggled to articulate the depth of despair and sadness, and just like you said, I feared the stigma that if I were open others might think I was irreparably broken.

Thanks for being brave enough to speak up, and it was a pleasure meeting you (albeit briefly) at SOBCon.

Thanks for putting that out there. Depression & anxiety have been my familiars for decades. Alcohol helped, for awhile. Then it didn’t. And I had to learn to cope in a world where self-medicating was no longer an option. I’m in recovery, have been for over 14 years. And I’ve been to shrinks, taken tests. After years of refusal, I did agree to take meds. They help. I’m still myself, but without turfing my own mental landscape, so to speak. But there are the nagging questions: How long will I have to take these? What happens if I have to withdraw? I try to take it day by day, and address only the challenges that are immediately ahead. I’m not what anyone would call a spiritual person, tho not for lack of trying. But we all fight this battle in different ways. I hope others share their thoughts and feelings here. After all, none of us is aboard this lifeboat alone.

Just yesterday I read a post from someone else willing to share their story: http://www.ellelamode.com/2010/05/mental-health-issues-the-elephant-in-our-generations-room/

Thanks for sharing your experiences and shedding light on something that rarely is discussed!

I have so much respect for people like yourself that find the courage to share something so personal. We often joke about silly buzz words like authenticity and transparency but its posts like this that should be the real discussion. As you stated, many people are affected by depression (the silent killer) and yet very few would ever know.

I don’t know what constitutes being an oversharer but whatever it is, please don’t stop being you and sharing as you have. I can’t imagine how many people’s lives you’ve touched in a positive way but it’s comforting to know it’s a very large number.

Keep surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people.

Keep being the best person you can be. Keep being awesome.

Hey Amber,

Thank you for speaking out on the stigma of depression. I’ve lived with depression my entire life. Looking back it was something that has been with me since a young age. Only with reflection have I been able to understand what depression is and how it affects everyone.

I don’t know if you knew, but back in October last year, things really took a dive. I had never had an episode that bad. It was crazy, because at the same time I was pushing forward with life, projects, and things I thought were important. Eventually the strain was just too much and the wires snapped.

Having a depression spell this bad was like having an out of body experience. Nothing seemed real. I literally had to mentally tell myself to get out of bed.. okay, now turn on the shower… it’s okay.. it’s okay. Get into the shower… grab the soap… It got that bad. The only thing that seemed real, were the suicidal thoughts that kept going through my head.

Long story short, I had to unplug. Turn off everything and realign. The support of my friends and family both online and off was tremendous, and it helped me get through probably one of the most difficult times of my life.

Enough of my noise. Just know that you are not alone. There are people who know what you are going through and are here to help. If you are reading this and need someone to listen – please don’t hesitate to reach out: emthemurr @ gmail [dot] com.

Feel free to check out my Ignite Lansing presentation – Why Living With Depression is Hilarious… Kind of: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEPdMgQzooU

Again, thanks Amber for bringing this subject into the spotlight.

Hey Amber – thought I’d just come here and drop you a line. Have to say that this post took tremendous courage. There aren’t many folks who face what you’re facing and would be willing to talk about it. As I mentioned to you, it’s something my mom has been facing her entire adult life. She has her ups and downs, but mostly ups at this point in her life. That wasn’t always the case, but she’s battled like a true warrior (and incredibly overused term by the way). It isn’t something to take lightly, and I hope your post helps shed some light on the issue as a whole. Kudos to you, and to Dave (who also had the guts to share it) for shining the spotlight on it. I, and I’m sure my mother, thank you.

-Chuck

thank you for your poignant thoughts. I know many who share these feelings and can take value from your discretion.

Thank you for writing this. Along with depression, I have borderline personality disorder (and a slew of other things “wrong” with me), and I’ve noticed such a stigma surrounding it. And when I’m in the midst of an emotional storm, there have been many times when people have accused me of using my illness on which to blame my “bad” behavior. I am fortunate for the people who choose to see the person behind the illness. I think if more people would speak up about depression and other mental illnesses, we could break the stigma and I suspect people would be surprised to see how many “normal” people really aren’t so “normal.”

*raises hand* Yeah, me too.

Thanks for sharing this, Amber. It’s an important post and has the potential to be a major turning point for people who read it. Asking for help all those years ago (when I turned 40) was the hardest thing I’d ever done. It was also the best thing.

Amber, I’m thankful for you sharing your story with us. It helps some of us find the courage to share our own stories.

I was diagnosed after I returned to college and have been battling with it on and off ever since. It’s been hard for me since I’m never really sure of who to turn to so I can talk about it. It’s even tougher for me because I’m always told that I’m resilient and optimistic even though I know that’s not necessarily how I feel most times.

I don’t know if I’ve ever truly found anyone to talk to about it, though I know there have been people who’ve been willing to listen. I’ve been grateful for them and what they’ve been willing to do for me even if I’m not always able to say “thank you” to them.

There are other times when I thought I’d found others to talk to and thoughts filled my mind similar to the ones you brought up. It ended up making me feel more hopeless than before; some chose to eventually keep their distance.

This winter was the worst I’d ever felt and I wasn’t sure where to turn. I saw myself pulling away from people and feeling extremely alone.

Like Dave said, posts like this let us know that I’m not truly alone and that there is help available.

It’s looking like there’s a chance I’ll be in Chicago in late September. Here’s to hoping we can find a chance to catch up.

Thank you for sharing.

I want so much to reply to you all personally, but frankly, I’m a bit overwhelmed (in a good way).

Your stories, your vulnerability, your bravery and that of the people you love tells me even more that this is something that I need to do more about. Thanks so each of you for sharing your stories, and for helping me steward a cause that matters more to me than I think I realized.

Your support is amazing, and I promise I’ll do you proud. Stay tuned.

Jason, thank you so much for sharing your struggles openly. And cry all you want or need. I’ll pass the Kleenex, you oversharer, you. Thank you, thank you.

Amber
As always a well written and very well timed post (this being Mental Health Week). It surprised me to find that 1 in 3 people will suffer some form of mental health issue in their life time. Which means it is hardly the “shameful” secret that it is supposed to be.
We give power to those things that we hide and keep secret. The more people like you encourage the rest of us to share the more we bring these issues into the light.
I was diagnosed as suffering Bi-Polar disorder in the 90′s after being diagnosed as a PTSD sufferer having left the military. Turned out one impacted the other and made the whole thing worse. I took me many many years to come to terms with what it meant for me and to face life knowing that medication was going to be a part of my daily life from now on. But there is nothing shameful about it. This community is proof that people with one form of mental health issue or another lead perfectly normal lives, contribute and help build a better society on a daily basis.
Thank you again for standing proud and encouraging others to do the same.

It is so good to know I am in such stellar company

“There have been more than 20 studies that suggest an increased rate of bipolar and depressive illnesses in highly creative people, says Kay Redfield Jamison, professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University and author of the “An Unquiet Mind,” a memoir of living with bipolar disorder.” http://is.gd/bXVDt

Hat tip to Jen, who posted this link on Twitter.

((((Amber))))
Reading your post & all the brave comments, I see so much that’s familiar & think–”Omigosh, it’s not just me!!”
At first I never realized there was a stigma attached to depression, because it was so much a part of my life. Mine started over 15 years ago, due to a difficult family situation. After a couple years, I stabilized, took joy in life, pursued my dreams; then became a victim of carbon monoxide poisoning, & started all over again, only worse.
I’ve come to expect that “normal” spaces won’t last & there will always be an eventual “crash.” It’s ever-present, unpredictable, debilitating. (If I’m not Twittering or blogging, I’m probably dealing with a crash.) But something inside of me is still determined to succeed in spite of it.
Faith in God is a huge part of my survival–He carries me through when I can’t even pray, sends wonderful encouraging people to literally save my life, & shows me how to use my challenges for a greater good (like you have). I’ve given my depression to one of my novel characters, hoping it’ll help & encourage others. Writing it is healing for me, too.
In everyday life, it helps to give myself permission to have down times, to realize that it might take longer than I plan to finish projects. Exercise, sunshine, healthy food & supplements–that all helps, too. Except when I forget, slack off, & crash again. D’oh.
My mantra has become: “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, & start all over again.” Or, “Winning is a matter of getting up one more time than you’re knocked down.” It’s better than suicidal thoughts. (Hardest for me to say: Yes, I get those, too. Thankfully I found I’m too chicken, & too worried about what would happen to my family & friends, to follow through on them.)
Even though it shakes me to panic attacks, I’ve made myself raise awareness for CO safety, to hopefully save others from what my family went through. So, I can totally understand your doing the same for depression. It takes a heck of a lot of courage, & you are awesome for doing it. Thank you.

Same here…I still remember when I hit rock bottom…I remember not wanting to get help, but slowly realizing the effect I was having on myself and on my family. During those ensuing appointments, I was able to realize that I’d been dealing with it almost half of my now thirty years on this planet. I don’t mind talking about it, I have several friends who have shared the same experiences with me – but Ive seen the stigma firsthand – people telling me I shouldn’t be so open about it, people telling me that I shouldn’t say anything at all.

I don’t listen to those people. The idea that we need to shut away the ill and the different is appaling. I remember the day I decided to start a livejournal account and detail my story. Its still up and I still update it occasionally when things are going up or down, but if anyone wants to check it out, go to http://1ofthe1in10.livejournal.com/ and go back to the first series of entries.

We are here, and we can feel alone enough on our own…we don’t need help for that. We don’t WANT to be treated differently, so stop it.

A wonderful post. It’s good for people to know more about it. I’m not so good at keeping things quiet so when I got my diagnosis, I told practically everyone I ran into. I don’t know why. I think it was because I just felt so much better knowing what was happening with me. And knowing that I didn’t have to feel that way. I’d always thought I just had a negative outlook on life and that I needed to change my attitude…and that the fact that I couldn’t change it meant I was a failure. Having a diagnosis changed everything:

http://www.freshperspective.com/?p=875

Thank you for sharing your story, Amber.

My best friend took his own life 7 weeks ago after struggling with ongoing depression. I now know that I never understood the depths of his dark hours. I’ve had a hard time talking about it because of the stigma around both depression and suicide.

My grief has been like an open wound that I’m trying to cover up. I’ve tried to keep up with life as normal, but I go through stretches where I feel like withdrawing. I keep asking myself how long is it okay to feel this sad?

A friend encouraged me to write about him for upcoming blogging project. I didn’t know if I could do it. Thank you for showing me that it is possible to share these things.

Some research carried out last year found that the simple fact of sharing your feelings dramatically reduces the risk of someone with depression from turning to alcohol, drugs or from committing suicide. Anyone brave enough to share their own stories (whether in blog form or in 140 character bursts) should be applauded. Our project, The Perfect Gift for a Man, sought to do this also. Keep up the sharing, Amber. It does us all some good.

Hey Amber,

Personal, Brave, Bold, Heartfelt, Wonderful article! Thanks for sharing. Articles like this should be able to reach someone depressed and in need and hopefully incent them to get help.

Like others, I have struggled with the same issue at hand. It is a real problem that needs to be addressed by professionals.

Thanks for sharing your personal story.

RB

Amber,

Thank you so much for sharing about depression. There is a reason why depression is called the Silent Killer. Depression eats away at you. At best, depression makes it hard to concentrate, at worst it can lead to despair, suicidal thoughts (and actions), and a complete disconnection with reality.

I, too, struggle with depression. I have for years. I was diagnosed with mild clinical depression in addition to ADD (or ADHD – Inattentive Type) when I was a senior in high school. My mother was a clinical social worker and was able to help me self-diagnose when I was in middle school, but there was not yet enough “evidence” to make a decision whether I had it – I was on the border. I struggled with thoughts of suicide, feeling alone and isolated even though I had many friends and acquaintances, feeling unsure of myself and purposeless even when I overextended myself. I tried to keep so busy that I wouldn’t have time to think about how depressed I was. While it worked for a time, it was not the solution. In addition to therapy, I started taking medication and the combination seemed to work very well.

For most of my adult life, I have been taking medication to combat a chemical imbalance in my brain which makes me depressed. Most of the time, I am able to manage the depression through diet, exercise, medication, meditation, and concentrating on the positive things in my life. People always seem surprised when I tell them I have depression because I am naturally an incredibly optimistic person. Though many people think they are mutually exclusive, they are not. One is a character trait (optimistic) and the other is a mental illness.

Though I do my best to be open about depression and mental illness in both a private and public sphere, there is still a huge stigma attached to mental illness and, when I am feeling even remotely depressed, I hate sharing about it. If I am in a good, balanced place, I find it relatively easy to talk about depression in technical terms, but even then it is hard to talk about in personal terms, so I am going to attempt to do that more.

A little over a month ago, I was prescribed a medication I shouldn’t have been taking. It warned against taking if you have depression, but the doctor prescribed it to me anyway. It messed with my hormones and I spiraled into a very deep depression, one of the worst periods I’ve ever experienced in my life. I cried daily and had to force myself to get out of bed, get into the shower, go to work. When I got home from work, it took all the energy I could muster to go up the stairs to my bedroom and put myself to bed. I hardly ate and didn’t talk to people about it. I felt worthless and hopeless and exhausted all the time. I felt like I would never come out of the depression and that I was bringing all of my friends down. I put myself into isolation because I didn’t want to be a downer. I almost ended things with my boyfriend of 4 years because the long distance was hard and I was overly emotional. I felt damaged, broken, and like I had nothing to give or contribute. I did not feel like myself, but am empty shell of the former Sara. I hated myself and then I felt guilty and stupid for hating myself. It’s a downward spiral that’s hard to break out of.

Fortunately, I have great people around me who are familiar with mental illness and one of them was able to recognize (when I couldn’t) that it was a chemical reaction to the new medication I was on. I was able to change the medication and get things worked out, but it wasn’t easy.
It gave me a real appreciation for what fantastic friends I have and how strong I am that I made it through that period of my life. It also reminded me why I have to be diligent in taking medication, practicing meditation, eating right, exercising, and taking care of myself.

I am a huge proponent of speaking up about mental illness and always have been because I think it is largely misunderstood. However, it’s not an easy thing to talk about, especially when you’re experiencing it deeply. I hope that others will read this post and understand how hard it is to ask for help, even when you know that you need it – and how much harder it is to ask for when you don’t recognize that you need it.

Serious props,
Sara

Hi Amber,
I too have suffered off and on for years. It really came to head for me about three years ago. I came very close to hurting myself; I was in a space where I felt like such a burden already to friends and family that I could not bring myself to share how deep in the well of despair I was. It was deep, dark and slippery. It took everything I had to get help and devasted me to learn that I would be on medication for probably the rest of my life. I struggled before with feeling broken and try to ignore this feeling even now. I’m in a space now on the border of falling in the well again. I’m not sure how much to share with friends as it’s scary. It’s scary for me and I know it’s scary for my friends. I commend you for sharing your story. People need to know it’s ok to ask for help and for those being asked, please don’t judge, just listen and find a professional resource. There are professionals out there that can handle this!

Thank you for your willingness to share, Amber.

Thanks for writing this post–I’ve been dragging my feet writing my mental health awareness month post but you’re inspiring me. As I’ve blogged about my depression before, the worst thing about it is the stigma and having to deal with this illness in silence, and the only way to bust that stigma once and for all is for people who are afflicted by this illness to share their stories. Depression runs rampant on both sides of my family and I’ve long been told by my dad “never admit you have depression at work or you’ll lose your job.” Nice. Imagine telling someone with diabetes or cancer that. But the sad thing is, it’s not so far from the truth.

Rather than take up your whole comment section, here’s a post about my story:
http://motherwhatnowredux.blogspot.com/2009/12/depression-sucks-if-you-read-this-blog.html

Amber, not only are you a beacon in the burgeoning world of social media and communities, but you are an *authentic* human being. I mean, you know that. But. Meaning: your sharing is your strength. Meaning: you are not a -Bot. Meaning: the ones who call it “oversharing” are the ones who live the unexamined life. “Good luck with that,” I say to them.

My respect for you as a professional in New Media and as a feeling, thinking, breathing human being grows each month. I wish you continued success. I wish you peace. I wish you comfort. I wish that you knew how wonderful, smart, and amazing you are and that this knowledge and comfort could keep the depressive chemistry at bay. But, I also know that chemistry does not always follow [good] thoughts. Sometimes affirmations are not enought. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. And that is okay.

You, dear Amber, are living on the top curl of the wave of a whole new way of being in the world, experiencing the world, and sharing our lives and knowledge. It’s like you are surfing atop one of those giant 50-foot waves in the Pacific, and the wave is this 21st century revolution of social media. Keep going. Keep riding that long, strong wave. It’s totally scary, it’s totally rad….but your instincts are awesome.

Thanks Amber, and everyone else who has shared here. You are all truly encouraging.

I was very touched by your post and your willingness to “put yourself out there.” I have had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, and finally got on medication shortly after college. It very much runs in my family; my father has suffered from it as well since he was a child. Having a close family member sharing this disease has been a blessing, because we exchange ideas on what coping mechanisms work for us, and what don’t. I realize I am fortunate in this regard. The only thing worse than suffering from depression/anxiety is feeling like you are all alone in your diagnosis. Reaching out to others truly is the best medicine (as is evidenced by the high number of comments this post has gotten!)

Amber,

I read and share your Altitude Branding posts frequently because of their eloquence and pointed truth. With this personal statement in Innacurate Reality, you’ve shown why it is that you are so effective in your professional life. And yes, this personal side of you and this cause is one that you should, indeed, do something with.

Any time a person has the unique ability to communicate forcefully, clearly, and sensitively, they should use that skill for a greater good. Carry on!

Amber,
I am a practicing psychiatrist who does mostly telepsychiatry. I see a lot of folks in pain in the ERs, and I know firsthand how devastating these illnesses can be. Education and fighting stigma is a big part of getting the word out that these illnesses can be successfully treated and those who suffer from them can have productive lives.
Thanks for your posts. I’ve read a couple already and will be reading more. Keep writing!

Greg

Amber – the biggest benefit of sharing is the knowledge you’re not alone. I have SAD, and pretty much “caught” it while living in Seattle. It’s way better (really!) in Cleveland, but in the depths of Winter, I still rely on my light box, the sauna in the basement (and tropical magazine articles), and the International PR Research Conference in Miami the first week of March.

The SAD is a limited-time taste of what people with clinical depression go through. I’ve had bouts of depression before, and have benefited mightily from treatment, including therapy. It’s a tough road, but worth every foot.

Thanks for the leadership.

At least 7 or 8 hundred visitors at your weblog now, nice results for single website.

For example, I’m a liberal sharer of my thoughts and views on much of what I do professionally, and some of my passion points around books or science or the English language. But I never share much online about my family, nor my religious or political views, nor the personal relationships I have with friends or otherwise.

Hi Amber

I wanted to thank you for putting up this post.  I’ve been depressed since I was 16, and at about 23, it came to a point where I attempted suicide.  Luckily, I have some good friends and they made sure I got the immediate care I needed.  At that time, I was on anti-depressants, and had been for about 3 years. 

I got to a point in my life where I just couldn’t cope with it anymore, I didn’t feel like the pain was worth the joy.  After the attempt, I decided to change my whole life.  I moved back home for a while, took myself off anti-depressants, stopped smoking weed, and cut back on my heavy drinking. 

I think sometimes it’s really hard for young, creative people to find a place where they feel like they belong and can contribute something to the world.  I’m 26 now, and although I do go through occasional blue periods, I’ve remained stable for the past 3 years.  I no longer drink, do drugs and I eat, sleep, exercise, and meditate to keep myself stable. 

I often wonder, when I see people my age going out to party, how many of them are actually enjoying themselves, and how many of them are looking for the escape hatch. 

The silence around depression is still present in my life – I’ve never spoken about it with my father or sister, although my mother knows some of it.  I like the idea of being able to speak about depression openly, but I know that it would cause such concern among my family members that I would constantly be checked in with, etc.  And I like my freedom.   

Well done, Amber!  I “came out” about depression on my blog a few months ago, and people are ready to talk about it.  Amazingly, it allowed me to move forward both personally and professionally.  
Here’s the link to my story: http://www.wordspring.ca/2011/01/what-the-hll-happened-my-journey-into-mental-illness/
BTW, it was great meeting you at Social Media Camp Victoria 2011 – maybe the people like us who have to get to know our “dark” side shine all the brighter because of it.  You seemed like a “bright light” to me.  Knock ‘em dead.

Amber,

I appreciate your making this public statement about an intensely private situation.  I’ve been writing a blog about my own experiences with depression since the beginning of the year on the web-site for Esperanza magazine, http://www.hopetocopel.org.  I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to get my thoughts “out there.”

This is a link to one of my favorites: http://www.hopetocope.com/blog/post/Lay-down-your-burdens.aspx

I’ll will be grateful to receive any comments that you can make on this or other posts.

Michael