The Secret of Invincibility

by Amber on November 6, 2010

Amber Naslund - The Secret of InvincibilityI seem to be invincible. To a lot of people.

So I’m going to give you the secret of everything I know, everything I do, how I manage to keep it all together with work, job, projects, and being a single mom.

Ready?

The secret is….sometimes I absolutely and utterly crumble under it all.

Sometimes the weekends aren’t so much a respite from the work week as a chance to get overwhelmed by everything. The dishes that never seem to ever be done. The dog and cat hair that collects around the floorboards like so many mocking little monsters, taunting me and the vacuum cleaner who cowers in the corner, longing for its home in the closet. The laundry that always seems like too much, never quite getting put away so that the occasional favorite pair of pajama pants becomes a victim of the dogs’ tug of war.

After travel, it’s inevitable that no matter how hard I try to keep everything put away before I go, a toy or a shoe gets destroyed by one of the pups, bored out of their skull while Mom is gone. Some furry person pukes on the couch or pees on the dining room rug. And so instead of walking in the door relieved to be in my own tidy house, I come back to a maelstrom of plastic shrapnel, ruined belongings, and messes to be cleaned up before my suitcase is even unpacked. It’s a house that I love, but that on most days I wouldn’t want anyone to see.

Weekends are time for Abby, too. A very precocious, demanding Abby. One that’s not quite yet independent enough to fully occupy herself while I prepare dinner, and can singlehandedly dismantle one room while I fruitlessly try to reassemble another. She is curious and adventurous and can throw the most wicked of temper tantrums that can shake the very foundation of my own confidence in parenting. At three and a half, we’re still wrestling with potty training and my nerves sometimes show signs of wear, because I wonder just what I’m not doing (am I gone too much? Do I work too hard? Was I absent the day they taught the magic formula?).

No matter the day, I feel a bit of the guilt for the email I didn’t get to, the checkbook I didn’t balance, the post I didn’t write, the project I didn’t work on, or the speech I should have better prepared.

Some will say that none of that matters. That none of that is really, truly what’s important.

But it is. Peace of mind is important. Having a home where you feel safe from the storms of the world is important, one where you can find comfort and give comfort to those you love. Feeling caught up to yourself and your world is important. Believing in your adequacy as a parent is important. It’s not the things or the moments themselves, but the sense of balance they do or don’t represent.

And so, sometimes, even after a second cup of coffee and a good night’s sleep, I just collapse on the couch and cry and wonder if I’ll ever, ever get ahead of it all.

Something happens then.

I crumble. I have my moment. I collapse in a heap and surrender to feeling sorry for myself and I cry until the tears won’t come anymore.

Then, I breathe. Shakily, at first. I flick the tears from my face, squeeze my eyes shut hard one time, and open them again. I clench my fists and release them. I look up at the ceiling, then down at the dusty floor. I ask someone somewhere to lend me a little bit of strength, a dash of will, a pinch of faith. I promise to give it all back when I have some to spare.

I look around me at the flotsam and jetsam of my little world. The dog sprawls on the loveseat, safe and sound from the place she would have been had I not found her in a shelter several years ago. The spot on the carpet fades a little bit more, one more load of laundry buzzes as it dries. I decide those shoes weren’t all that comfortable anyway, and the handful of fuzz along the floorboard gets swept out the patio door in a gust of crisp fall wind.

Abby comes to me and asks for a hug, and doesn’t care that she has to crawl over a pile of folded towels to come sit by me on the couch. She tells me she loves me, and asks if we can get a Christmas tree this year with a big, shiny star on top. And if we can go sledding when it snows. And if we can watch a movie, together, Mommy.

And I say yes.

Yes, we can.

image credit: Shayne Kaye

  • todd

    Amazing how a moment of perspective can wash away what we are feeling.
    I could care less about much else I do with my life, but the fact that my kids’ teachers think the world of them means more to me than pretty much anyone elses opinion of ME. And I LOVE that my youngest still runs up and hugs me after school each day like she did when she was only two.

    • Amber

      Todd –

      I think sometimes that the moment of perspective can only come after you’ve let go a bit. I know that I find being rational hard when the irrational pervades, and sometimes I need to let everything hurt, ache, feel, tumble, or whatever else before I can pick myself back up and breathe. All things in balance, as it were.

  • John Williams

    Beautiful, Amber. Probably because it so accurately reflects so many of our realities.

    • Amber

      It’s easy to look at others from the outside and think that they’re so much stronger or more bulletproof than we are. But fallible and human we are, and sometimes we need to remind one another that we’re not alone.

  • http://www.hughcmcbride.com hugh.c.mcbride

    “I ask someone somewhere to lend me a little bit of strength, a dash of will, a pinch of faith. I promise to give it all back when I have some to spare.”

    And with this post, I think you do just that — share some strength, will, faith with those who could use a boost. Powerful, honest & inspiring — thanks so much for writing & posting this.

    • Amber

      Thank you, Hugh. We spend an awful lot of time brandishing our strength, and sometimes what others need to see – really see – is when we’re at our most vulnerable. Appreciate your comment.

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  • http://chelpixie.com Chel

    Crumbling provides some relief from all the stress. Having that moment is okay, because you have the strength to pick yourself back up, dust off, take a deep breath and move forward.

    /hug/ You can do it. Sometimes better than anyone else I know.

    • Amber

      You need both, really. It’s impossible to experience the highs otherwise. Or the middles. Or even find solid ground upon which to reset unless we can let ourselves stumble sometimes. And when you acknowledge that you too can feel weak, somehow for me, it helps me find strength.

      Thanks for being here, and for your friendship.

  • http://keithprivette.com Keith Privette

    Amber can I let you in on a little secret YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are doing a fabulous job and the ending of this post is where it all is worth it. The pets & kids love you for you! I can not image doing all this stuff alone like many Moms do across the world, but even 2 parent working families such as mine have these moments of destruction that go on, we are not as buttoned up as it may seem in public! “Keep Calm and Carry On” right! If your moments make you feel better have them, it is A-OK. Your a solid human being just remember that!

  • http://writingonpurpose.com Teresa Basich

    I was reading something today that focused on the idea of accomplishing more, not everything. For example, rather than focusing on cleaning your whole house, focus on making it a bit cleaner. Your post made me think of that — that there’s so much value in doing enough to keep us sane and relatively balanced.

    I truly don’t know how you do so much, but for what it’s worth, it’s that much more respectful that you have your moments of fallibility and keep going afterward. The success is in accepting that you need to crumble, crumbling, and moving forward. It may sound totally ridiculous, and possibly childish, but I strive to one day handle myself as well as you do.

  • http://passionskidefond.typepad.com/my_weblog/ Guy-Renaud Kirouac

    Amber,
    How good to read your latest post.
    We all have moments like these and, in our over competitive world, we always feel we’re all alone living these down times.
    Thanks.
    GR

  • todd

    Amazing how a moment of perspective can wash away what we are feeling.
    I could care less about much else I do with my life, but the fact that my kids' teachers think the world of them means more to me than pretty much anyone elses opinion of ME. And I LOVE that my youngest still runs up and hugs me after school each day like she did when she was only two.

  • John Williams

    Beautiful, Amber. Probably because it so accurately reflects so many of our realities.

  • http://www.hughcmcbride.com hugh.c.mcbride

    “I ask someone somewhere to lend me a little bit of strength, a dash of will, a pinch of faith. I promise to give it all back when I have some to spare.”

    And with this post, I think you do just that — share some strength, will, faith with those who could use a boost. Powerful, honest & inspiring — thanks so much for writing & posting this.

  • http://chelpixie.com Chel

    Crumbling provides some relief from all the stress. Having that moment is okay, because you have the strength to pick yourself back up, dust off, take a deep breath and move forward.

    /hug/ You can do it. Sometimes better than anyone else I know.

  • Amber

    Todd –

    I think sometimes that the moment of perspective can only come after you've let go a bit. I know that I find being rational hard when the irrational pervades, and sometimes I need to let everything hurt, ache, feel, tumble, or whatever else before I can pick myself back up and breathe. All things in balance, as it were.

  • Amber

    It's easy to look at others from the outside and think that they're so much stronger or more bulletproof than we are. But fallible and human we are, and sometimes we need to remind one another that we're not alone.

  • Amber

    Thank you, Hugh. We spend an awful lot of time brandishing our strength, and sometimes what others need to see – really see – is when we're at our most vulnerable. Appreciate your comment.

  • Amber

    You need both, really. It's impossible to experience the highs otherwise. Or the middles. Or even find solid ground upon which to reset unless we can let ourselves stumble sometimes. And when you acknowledge that you too can feel weak, somehow for me, it helps me find strength.

    Thanks for being here, and for your friendship.

  • http://keithprivette.com Keith Privette

    Amber can I let you in on a little secret YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are doing a fabulous job and the ending of this post is where it all is worth it. The pets & kids love you for you! I can not image doing all this stuff alone like many Moms do across the world, but even 2 parent working families such as mine have these moments of destruction that go on, we are not as buttoned up as it may seem in public! “Keep Calm and Carry On” right! If your moments make you feel better have them, it is A-OK. Your a solid human being just remember that!

  • http://writingonpurpose.com Teresa Basich

    I was reading something today that focused on the idea of accomplishing more, not everything. For example, rather than focusing on cleaning your whole house, focus on making it a bit cleaner. Your post made me think of that — that there's so much value in doing enough to keep us sane and relatively balanced.

    I truly don't know how you do so much, but for what it's worth, it's that much more respectful that you have your moments of fallibility and keep going afterward. The success is in accepting that you need to crumble, crumbling, and moving forward. It may sound totally ridiculous, and possibly childish, but I strive to one day handle myself as well as you do.

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  • http://www.drewsmarketingminute.com Drew McLellan

    Phew….I thought it was just me.

    Drew

  • http://passionskidefond.typepad.com/my_weblog/ Guy-Renaud Kirouac

    Amber,
    How good to read your latest post.
    We all have moments like these and, in our over competitive world, we always feel we're all alone living these down times.
    Thanks.
    GR

  • http://SterlingHope.com Amber Cleveland

    Awesome post…not blowing smoke, it’s amazingly vulnerable and awesome. Yup, I know I used the word awesome twice in the first sentence LOL.

    Just want to offer a piece of advice about the potty training. It will be “done” when Abby decides, so don’t sweat what your doing, just be consistent.

    Being a superwoman is tough…and laundry is a pain…maybe we should follow Chris’s lead and have someone else do it.

    Enjoy your weekend :)

  • http://www.drewsmarketingminute.com Drew McLellan

    Phew….I thought it was just me.

    Drew

  • http://SterlingHope.com Amber Cleveland

    Awesome post…not blowing smoke, it's amazingly vulnerable and awesome. Yup, I know I used the word awesome twice in the first sentence LOL.

    Just want to offer a piece of advice about the potty training. It will be “done” when Abby decides, so don't sweat what your doing, just be consistent.

    Being a superwoman is tough…and laundry is a pain…maybe we should follow Chris's lead and have someone else do it.

    Enjoy your weekend :)

  • http://www.superdumbsupervillain.com Naomi

    Thanks for sharing the real-life stuff. My 3 1/2 yr old son is adamantly against the potty training, too, and it’s amazing how quickly that frustration can impact other aspects of your life. It’s nice to know that others get knocked off alignment once in a while and that sometimes you need to let it all out and just start over.

  • http://ariemoyal.com Arie Moyal

    Thank you so much for this Amber

  • http://www.superdumbsupervillain.com Naomi

    Thanks for sharing the real-life stuff. My 3 1/2 yr old son is adamantly against the potty training, too, and it's amazing how quickly that frustration can impact other aspects of your life. It's nice to know that others get knocked off alignment once in a while and that sometimes you need to let it all out and just start over.

  • http://ariemoyal.com Arie Moyal

    Thank you so much for this Amber

  • http://socialbutterflyguy.com/ DJ Waldow

    Amber: I’ve been thinking a ton about this lately. This post, the one Tamsen did on “Zero Sum”, and CP’s “deadliest question” (http://www.christopherspenn.com/2010/11/the-deadliest-question-of-all/), all reference time – how we choose to spend it, what really matters, how we respond to all of the pressures, etc. Since having @babywaldow, I’ve thought about this more and more. I don’t have the answer, and don’t anticipate having one soon. However, I’m getting closer. Much closer. It’s a constant struggle, but your ending to this post tells it all.

    Thanks for sharing your human-ness (is that a word?) with us. You are the best.

    DJ Waldow
    @djwaldow

  • http://socialbutterflyguy.com/ DJ Waldow

    Amber: I've been thinking a ton about this lately. This post, the one Tamsen did on “Zero Sum”, and CP's “deadliest question” (http://www.christopherspenn.com/2010/11/the-deadliest-question-of-all/), all reference time – how we choose to spend it, what really matters, how we respond to all of the pressures, etc. Since having @babywaldow, I've thought about this more and more. I don't have the answer, and don't anticipate having one soon. However, I'm getting closer. Much closer. It's a constant struggle, but your ending to this post tells it all.

    Thanks for sharing your human-ness (is that a word?) with us. You are the best.

    DJ Waldow
    @djwaldow

  • Jami Dix

    Thanks for writing such a personal post…really well said…

  • Ben O.

    We all need our time and place to relax, to get away from it all. Or, to be more accurate, to recharge.

    Amber, it sounds like you could benefit by reading a bit of Leo Babauta’s blog, Zen Habits. He has some great advice on the subject of keeping life manageable, and his guest posters are typically worth reading too.

  • http://www.libertyinteractivemarketing.com/blog Anonymous

    Amber, thank you. Thank you for being so honest.